From time to time, and perhaps more often than necessary, the forumtography question concerning lenses that produce a “wow” factor (and perhaps even a “3D effect!”) arises and leads to great long discussions about which exotic and expensive lenses will make any photograph into a classic.

There is only one such lens.

The only true “wow” lens, as any proper lens connoisseur knows without asking, is the 1956 39.5mm Heptagon Mega L v. 58 B (Czechoslovakia model) with the German manual extender modification screw attachment and the maximum f/1. 39 aperture and the unique crank-operated tilt-shift mechanism that was carved from ebony wood. The optical spatial construction of the crystalline substructure was temporally modified by skilled yet enigmatic craftsmen under the tutelage of the original optical specialists of the Third Order, each of whom spent at least 14 years mastering their art while performing menial manual manipulations and modifications of modular componentry that had been properly aged and then conditioned in alpine ice caves in order to ensure optimal thermo-stable meta-optical stability and compound image purity in the sub-atomic and meta-cognitive domains, with both affective and psycho-motor orientation.

The ineffable and subtle purity of the drawing power of this legendary optic can turn any photographer into a Cartier-Bresson, an Adams, or an Avedon, as the case may be. Although unbeknownst to the general population and only shared among the elect who have been chosen to experience the technical, aesthetic and spiritual perfection of the Heptagon optic and who are sufficiently suggestible, this is actually the primary causal factor behind the creation of virtually all truly great photography during the past 100 years. Some have come close, but none have achieved greatness without it. Why, the effect is simply magical. All I can say is…

… wow.

Note: If you are a new photographer looking for serious advice about lens selection for your DSLR, you have probably figured out by now that this article doesn’t provide it. (Actually, in an intentionally satirical way, it does address an important question about the eternal hope that magical lenses will lead to magical photography.) In any case, I think some might find the following earlier post useful: Beginner Question: What Lenses Should I Get?

G Dan Mitchell is a California photographer and visual opportunist whose subjects include the Pacific coast, redwood forests, central California oak/grasslands, the Sierra Nevada, California deserts, urban landscapes, night photography, and more.
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